"What's that under there? Under where? UNDERWEAR!!! HAHAHAHA!!!"

By Buffy Winterrose

I've decided to ban underwear usage in my house. It's for the environment. I've decided that after many years of doing laundry, the sorting, the washing, the drying, the folding, the putting away...underwear is the thing I wash most frequently. Like many things it has a starting point.....and it all starts with the **WEARING**

So I decided to cut out the ....uh....first-le-man? (Whatever the man is called that is the first one...that's the guy I'm cutting out.) See if I cut out the wearing of underwear then our lives will be so much easier. Think of it....No more nasty skid marked undies sneaking up on you when you're innocently trying to sort the laundry. No more worrying about pantylines...not that the man ever worries about that. No more complaining that the tag itches and needs to be cut off RIIIIIGHT NOOOOWWWWW!!!!!

Afraid of the wedgie of death? Don't be! When you don't wear underwear it's the person giving the wedgie who gets the surprise!

Also when you're out of undies you won't stress about it...you'll just go without...like nature intended. No one ever sees your underwear anyway so it's not like it'll be scandalous if it's not there..you just won't tell them. (Kinda ruined that plan didn't I...crap!)

No more wondering if you have on clean underwear and your mom and family will be disgraced if ...say..... they find you under a horrific pile of wreckage, debris, twisted metal, and carnage, and your underwear is *soiled*. Oh! A mother's worst nightmare!

Heck, you can say the accident was so bad it blew your underwear CLEAN OFF YOUR BODY!! How's that for a tale of survival? How many people have been in accidents so severe that their underwear goes missing?!? (Besides Paris and Britney...and Lindsey...who haven't been in any freak accidents but manage to have their underwear missing anyway. Forward thinkers? No, that would imply thinking.)

Make your mom proud and go without! This year for Mother's Day send her a card telling her that your underwear will never be dirty again! Think of the secret pride she'll feel! (Cause you know she won't be showing other people the card...so the pride will have to be a secret...but she'll feel it all the same.)

It will cut back on energy usage, a whole load less of laundry to do per week...that's 52 loads you've cut out. 104 times the washer and dryer get used per year! On those stressful weeks you may even go through more than one load...I'm thinking we do at least 60 loads of underwear a year...that's 120+ HOURS that we would not be running a major energy sucking appliance!

I'd save HOURS folding the stuff...I bet I spend 62 hours a year folding underwear!

The City just sent us a notice that we should be trying to conserve energy! I may show up at the next city council meeting and suggest they implement a city wide underwear ordinance!

We'd save on laundry soap, dryer sheets, and fabric softener! And think...just THINK of the savings in STAIN REMOVER!!! We'd be freakin' MILLIONAIRES!!

This is one of those opportunities like the Amway guy talks about! We simply can't afford NOT to not wear underwear!

Join me! Join me in the fight to rid the world..or at least the laundry basket...of this insidious...(which means "operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect"...that TOTALLY describes underwear..at least...it describes the kind at my house)...hateful time, energy...and RESOURCE sucking horde! (Psst, horde means "a large group, multitude, number, etc.; a mass or crowd" totally a word to describe the underwear waiting for me to fold it.)



This is the kind of thing that runs through my mind as I do laundry...specifically two loads of underwear/underclothes on the same day. Now you know. Makes you kinda glad you're not me doesn't it?

About Buffy Winterrose:

I am a reasonably wonderful person who enjoys reading, snacking on addictive foods, and the sound of the dishwasher running when I know I wasn't the one to fill it.

I married a guy that likes boobs. I've got 'em. Our love should last forever.

I have a daughter who thinks I'm the best mom ever! (She doesn't get out much.)

I'm a room mom, PTA Queen, and sometimes I even go out and earn money just for kicks...and money.

Fame is all I'm looking for..and jeans that make my bum look super fly.