Some Helpful Parenting Advice "We" Learned Over the Summer...

By Buffy Winterrose

Some Helpful Parenting Tips "We" Learned Over The Summer...

(When I say "we" I mean EDWARD)

If your 8 year old comes in from playing to ask to borrow a hammer...You really should find out what she wants it for. You should also find out who will be the adult supervising the hammer use.

(Impressing upon her mind the importance of returning said hammer is not enough. Neither is making sure she has nails. You will not get any brownie points for taking time to teach your daughter that returning things after you borrow them is important.)

If your 8 year old comes in from playing and asks you for a paint brush...Instead of telling her she should be using spray paint instead of the "from a can" kind...you should investigate further into the activity. This is another point that you should inquire about adultness...and supervising.

(Discussing what she was painting and "talking shop", even though it builds strong "do it yourself" bonding with dad, is not enough.)

If, when your 8 year old comes home, she's got paint all over her..including in her hair...You should REALLY find out what she was up too.

(Reminding her to go get your hammer because she forgot to bring it home is not enough. Being upset because your hammer has paint on it is *starting* to get you on the right track..but it still falls short.)

Later when your 8 year old is telling you about the "Float" she built with her friends...You should ask her where she got her materials.

(Telling her that she should do it differently "next time" does not count. Neither does providing wheels for her to use "next time".)

When she tells you about the **HATCHET** they used to cut open the paint can...You REALLY SHOULD inquire to see who the adult supervising this whole thing was. Or if, indeed, there was an adult present.

(Telling her to use one of those paint can opener/key looking things doesn't make the cut.)

If, when telling you about her day, she says the following words "We busted into the paint with a hatchet"...You should recognize that the use of the words "HATCHET" and "BUSTED INTO" implies that there was no adult supervision..anyone with ovaries will tell you this is a no brainer.

(This is *not* the point at which you regret not having spray paint for her to have used instead.)

When your 8 year old takes a bath to try and get the paint off of her...You really should take her clothes and try to get the paint off of them. Or call your wife, who has obviously been gone, and ask her what you should do about it.

(Telling her AGAIN that spray paint not *HOUSE* paint is the paint she should have used is NOT GOOD ENOUGH! You should also be curious as to how she got paint in her UNDERWEAR! Your wife WILL notice this and wonder if she was painting naked in some sort of "Build a Float" "Naked Paint Voodoo" dance. You don't see Jimmy Carter building things in his underwear.) (Thank Heavens!)

When your wife comes back from "Wicked Sewing Day" with her girlfriends and she FINDS OUT about this...not because you tell her but because she finds clothing and a child covered in paint...The proper response is NOT "Glory built a float with her friends for their dolls. I haven't seen it yet." Neither is "She said she didn't get any paint on her...."

(Something more like, "Sweetheart, darling, woman that I love...and fear the wrath of...Let me take these clothes, which I had previously been remiss in noting, and try to see if the paint will come out." Talking about how you didn't notice the paint will NOT instill confidence in your "babysitting" skills. This would also be a good time to mention the HATCHET. For future reference..stories with "HATCHET" in them...you're gonna get some of that wrath mentioned earlier. It will be slightly less if you tell her about the "HATCHET" than if she finds out about it later.)

When your wife finds out that your ONLY CHILD, the "basket" you've put all of your "eggs" in, was hacking away at a paint can with a HATCHET!!!...Instead of telling her that they didn't know how to open a can of paint and that you talked to her about how to do it next time...you REALLY SHOULD grovel on your knees and ask for forgiveness. Ingenuity is great..HATCHET use not so much.

(I have nothing more to say about the HATCHET. My mind is *still* boggling!)

If when your WIFE **FINALLY** gets the whole story out of your kid and figures out that they STOLE the paint, wood, and HATCHET...and hid in a "secure location"...Pointing out that she was smart to do this in a place where she could work "uninterrupted" is SO not the right thing to say.

(Your wife may just find *YOU* a place...where you will not be "interrupted".)

In regards to your wife talking about hiring a babysitter the next time she goes out...There's really nothing you will be able to say to make it better. Shut you mouth and say "yes dear".

(Finding out the next day that the HATCHET was really "just a claw hammer" will grant you no reprieve. And yes, you can't actually shut your mouth and say "yes dear" at the same time...try and do it anyway.)

About Buffy Winterrose:

I am a reasonably wonderful person who enjoys reading, snacking on addictive foods, and the sound of the dishwasher running when I know I wasn't the one to fill it.

I married a guy that likes boobs. I've got 'em. Our love should last forever.

I have a daughter who thinks I'm the best mom ever! (She doesn't get out much.)

I'm a room mom, PTA Queen, and sometimes I even go out and earn money just for kicks...and money.

Fame is all I'm looking for..and jeans that make my bum look super fly.